NAILS

2019 was a year of epic change and deliverance for me in many ways. This part of my testimony is centered around the anxiety which caused me to bite my fingernails, so bad it messed up my teeth. It may seem superficial but please keep reading…

During the first three years following my parent’s divorce when I was 12 years old, I became an anxious, person, deep inside. I changed schools nine times within those years, most during the first year. It was a time of chaos, feelings of abandonment and rejection, and betrayal. There was an abundance of wearing other people’s shame. I was separated from my father and siblings for much of that time. I suppressed everything and learned the art of portrayal. At the time my “portrayal mode” was set for being a good student. Emotional pain doesn’t stay hidden though, it comes out in other ways.

I allowed someone to attempt to hypnotize me to stop biting my nails when I was 13. This person tried to molest me during the hypnotism. They did molest me to a point but thankfully I wasn’t completely under. I do remember my arm being raised as if by a balloon. I ran out of the room, but the experience stayed buried within me and I continued to bite my nails, adding the pain from this betrayal to a very deep place of shame I wasn't even aware of. I was the type of kid who washed their own mouth out with soap and desperately wanted to please my parents.

After I gave my life to Jesus when I became a mother I began to change inside, and it was evident in how my lifestyle changed. I had many small miracles and a few big ones occur to deepen my faith and I grew in Christ. I didn’t want my witness to be marred by the anxiety that was so evident on my hands. I asked myself, “How can I tell people how great Jesus is when my anxiety is written so plainly on my hands?” I finally requested prayer to stop biting my nails during a revival at church. It was about my witness and the appearance of the anxiety I could see every time I looked down.

Amazingly I noticed after several weeks that my nails were growing! They became very pretty, and the anxiety was disappearing. I kept them painted which isn’t a bad thing but one day I let Pride enter my heart. I was writing a check in a store and the clerk had bitten off nails just like mine had been. Rather than witness to her about how the Lord had delivered me from the habit, in my heart I wanted her to notice how pretty my hands were. I wrote my check in such a way as to display my pretty hands. In my heart I had sinned and as I left the store I was filled with conviction and shame.

I was familiar with wearing someone else’s shame, but this was my own shame and I had disappointed the Lord. I had left my own shame behind when I was Saved, and this was my first real shame moment since being born again. Rather than immediately repent I tried to punish myself for the sin in my heart. Within a week all my nails were gone, and I embraced the habit as recompense. I felt that I deserved my ugly hands as evidence of the ugliness I felt inside. I still loved the Lord, but I didn’t give Him the opportunity to take away my shame. I was so disappointed in myself that I had failed a “test”. I wore that shame for almost 24 years. My son was a baby when the Lord first Healed my anxiety and sadly, I picked it back up until…

..the Lord delivered me from a monumental burden; 15 years of prescription opiate use for chronic back pain from a failed epidural. As my mind became clearer and I was able to more fully connect to the Holy Spirit the Lord began working within me at a deeper level than I’ve ever experienced. He slowly but surely began to wash away my sin and shame while healing my fear of pain and rejection. He has given me untold amounts of His Grace to help me endure the pain I still have. The more I seek His face, the more He reveals Himself to me.

In 2019, I testified one evening at church and said that I was finally ready to lay down the shame I had hung onto for so long. I requested prayer for the Lord to heal the anxiety and I exposed my shame in having pride in my heart. Darkness has no power over us when we confess our sin and shame to one another and let the Light of the Lord disinfect us. I wanted all the bad in my life to be turned for good and I knew only the Lord could do it. I knew I needed prayer warriors to help me. The Lord is always faithful when we truly leave our burdens at the cross. I had also accumulated a lot of shame associated with all the years of being on opiates and the trauma I had put my children through. I emptied myself out in daily prayer and the Lord filled me and healed me.

Amazingly my nails began to grow again and I wasn't even trying to stop biting them! I had given it all over to the Lord and by sharing this testimony I am putting into an irrevocable format the evidence of my Healing.

You see, it’s not about the nails on my hands or even the underlying anxiety causing me to bite them. It’s not even about my shame or the misplaced burden of trying to punish myself.

It’s about the Nails that pierced our Savior’s hands when He was crucified and the Redemption available to all of us. It’s about accepting His Forgiveness and forgiving others. It’s about His sacrifice.

“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me”. Galatians 2:20

I’m sharing this because the Lord has Blessed me so much to have another chance at life and I’ve hidden my testimony for far too long. In emptying myself out, I laid down the pride of caring what people will think of my shame. I don’t wear anyone else’s shame anymore. My own shame has been left behind and I pray I never disappoint the Lord again, but His Grace is sufficient, so I never need to try and punish myself again. I don’t care if anyone thinks I’m a fool so long as I follow Jesus Christ. I only care what He wants, and He always wants good things for His children. I’ve been Humbled by His Grace and I can't Praise the Lord enough for Delivering me and so much more.

Giving this testimony is difficult because I don’t want anyone to think this is about my fingernails. They are just part of my story and evidence of what’s going on inside. That is all. This is ALL about Jesus Christ and His Healing power! I pray that I never again take on the mantle of pride as it blocks the Blessings of Jesus Christ. May my brokenness be used for His Glory always...